Article Written by and interviewed by: Debbie Stokes
What is it that you really want in a relationship? Do you know?
For far too long many women have struggled with finding someone who is “their” everything and who adds value. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.
⇒ He doesn’t listen or talk to you enough or he talks too much.
⇒ He works too much or not at all (meaning no job or money).
⇒ He doesn’t spend quality time with you when home or he’s never home.
⇒ He has women friends but doesn’t want you to have male friends.
⇒ He expects too much from you but never gives to the relationship.
⇒ He smothers and controls you or he never pays you any attention.
⇒ He’s a homebody and boring or he parties and drinks too much.
Isn’t that crazy? What is a girl to do?
The good thing is it doesn’t have to be that way. As a matter of fact, there are some good men out there who fall right in the middle of the extremes I mentioned above. He is just right. Fortunately, some of us luck up and find one. Then, there are those who need help in finding one who meets their needs, wants, and expectations.
With that said, I want to introduce you to Renee Slansky. She is a world-renowned dating and relationship expert who has helped hundreds of men and women in their relationships. Read along as she gives some great tips on how to find a man you can call “The One.”
Renee Slansky — She is founder of one of the top 30 global dating blogs and Australia’s #1 dating and relationship blog, “The Dating Directory.” Renee had been educating men and women on love since 2013. The Dating Directory blog is a global online platform for women who want to feel supported and educated about love, dating, and relationships.
After 12 years in the entertainment industry as a model and TV presenter, Renee’s heart for seeing people live in fulfilling relationships propelled her to be an international writer and coach.
Renee contributes advice to some of the largest online publications in the world including: The Huffington Post, The Good Men Project, Your Tango, Elite Daily, and more. She is a dating and relationship advisor for eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, Happn, We Date, RSVP.com, and she continues to fuse the gap between technology and finding love. Her teachings have been written in educational textbooks that are distributed throughout North America.
Renee is often called to present as a relationship expert for Channel 7, Channel 10, SBS, talk shows, podcasts, and commercial radio globally. Her involvement with the ABC TV show Ex-Files saw her work alongside psychologists to provide dating strategies for each contestant.
Renee’s methods are based on providing a strong foundation of self-love and sustainable solutions. She has curated several online programmes for women and continues to speak globally at events around the world, making love education accessible for all. As a love advisor for over 30 thousand women, Renee still works 1-2-1 with men and couples to help them cultivate strong, healthy relationships.
3WV: Tell us a little bit about yourself and your business, and how you help people with their relationships?
Renee: I am a professional dating and relationship coach who specializes in love education. I help women break toxic cycles and set themselves up to cultivate healthy, fulfilling relationships that go the distance. I am a dating advisor to some of the largest online magazines in the world including the HuffPost, Your Tango, Buzzfeed etc. I am also an advisor to dating sites, such as, eHarmony and Plenty of Fish.
I am founder of the #1 dating and relationship blog in Australia and top 30 worldwide. I coach a channel for men with over 800k subscribers (so yes, I do help men too). I also have my own channel (currently 75k subscribers).
I have worked with the ABC, SBS, and other TV networks. I speak at women’s events and even coach psychologists.
I have had over 300 clients and customers worldwide, and reach hundreds of thousands every month.
My mission is to educate a generation on love, to make dating less complicated, and to lower the divorce rate. I do this through my channels, platforms, and coaching courses.
3WV: What are some key qualities found in a man considered to be the one?
Renee: It is important to be able to recognize things that help make up a good man. Here is a list of qualities I think are found in a man considered to be the one:
- Character must always come before commitment. Who he is, determines how he treats you and the quality of the relationship.
- Excitement – There has to be a sense of joy with being with them.
- Friendship – You have to like them not just love them.
- Enhancement not completion – They make you and your life better.
- Commitment – They are committed to you and to making it work, especially through the tough times.
- Unity – They want to unify their life with you and it is evident in the small and little things.
- Communication – They talk through things and conflict instead of just blaming or shutting down.
- Vulnerability without judgement – You can be yourself with them and they don’t punish you for your flaws.
- Approval of the community – Your friends and family approve of him because he is good for you.
- Peace and Progress – You feel at peace with him and you are moving forward.
3WV: What are some red flags at the beginning of the relationship that should be considered a sign of problems to come?
Renee: It is important to be observant and use your gut instincts at the beginning of a relationships. In the very beginning, sometimes men will hide who they really are but eventually their true colors will show up. Pay attention and look for these signs:
- How he treats other people through his actions and words – e.g. is he disrespectful to the waiter, does he criticize everyone.
- Look at what he jokes about – whatever he jokes about is what is on his mind. If he jokes about sex, then he is thinking about sex.
- His attitude towards money – if he is stingy with money he will be stingy with other things. If he has a fear and scarcity mindset around money or is careless with it, it could definitely indicate he has issues with being responsible and secure in relationships.
- Any sort of abusive talk or angry behavior
- His relationship with alcohol
- His ability to be able to follow through with what he says.
- How he talks about his family or ex – is it negative or inappropriate?
3WV: How important is it to know the man’s background before you date him?
Renee: It is helpful to have some indication, but just because we are influenced by our past doesn’t mean we have to allow it to control our future. There will always be some risk involved in dating someone. I don’t think we should be doing background checks over trying to conclude things about someone we haven’t met in person.
The best way is to see how they are when you do date them. How do they make you feel? What things keep popping up? Are there red flags?
Just because someone has had a rough upbringing doesn’t mean they aren’t ready to bring value. Someone’s background can be a hint or an indication, but knowing them in person is what will reveal the facts.
The problem is everyone wants an answer before they even get to know someone, and it’s just not possible, unless there are glaringly obvious red flags.
3WV: Is the way a man treats his mother and kids a sign of what to expect in your relationship?
Renee: Absolutely. A man’s first female love is his mother, and his ability to father and love his children will indicate his beliefs, habits, and past baggage. However, this is also dependent on the type of relationship he has with each and what they are like as a person.
If a man cuts his mother off because she is toxic, it doesn’t mean he is a mean or negative person. It means he has boundaries which is a good thing. On the other hand, if he tolerates the wrong behavior from his mother and allows her to manipulate him; then chances are he will bring that resentment and baggage into his relationship.
3WV: Should a woman ever settle for the sake of being in a relationship?
Renee: No. But she needs to understand that knowing where to be flexible and compromise is necessary. Compromising is not settling. Settling comes from a place of fear and lack; compromise come from a place of wisdom and grace, and wanting to be a team player.
3WV: As the relationship gets more serious, how important is it for a man and a woman who are dating to discuss their intentions and expectations for the relationship and future? How important is all-around communication with each other?
Renee: It is integral, but different levels of communication and vulnerability are needed at different times/stages. Great communication is something that is built and nurtured, and therefore needs to be initiated right from the first date. But turning the first date into an interview is not ideal.
Men and women both want and need different things and also communicate differently. This is why dating and building a relationship is about teamwork. You can’t just go in demanding your needs be met, you have to also understand how men work, so you can fulfill his needs too and lower his defense to talk about what you want.
3WV: If a man puts his energy into his money, friends, and job… should the woman be worried or understand?
Renee: Whatever we prioritize, we value. And we know we prioritize something because we put our time, energy, emotion, and money into that. It’s normal for men to want time with their friends, be active in the gym or build their career. This doesn’t mean he isn’t able to be present in a relationship. However, make sure the investment into you is also equal.
3WV: Does the way a man handle his money/finances tell you a lot about him and what to expect in the relationship?
Renee: Absolutely! As mentioned before in what red flags to look for, if a man is not generous with his money, then he will likely be stingy in other areas—whether that is intimacy, compliments, or time, etc.
It’s not about how much money he does or doesn’t have. It’s about his mindset and attachment to money and how that will trickle into a relationship.
3WV: In Steve Harvey’s book, “Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man,” he suggests women give a man an ultimatum. What do you think about an ultimatum?
Renee: I don’t like the word ultimatum, I think just having boundaries is enough. As I say to my girls having a boundary means he can either step up or step out.
If you keep tolerating and rewarding his negative behavior by accommodating for it or still giving him what he wants, then you have lost your boundaries.
We want men to step up and change, but we have to give them a reason and space to do that, and that is by laying that boundary down.
3WV: What do you think about someone asking their partner to sign a prenup before getting married?
Renee: I can understand why people do it but I don’t agree with it. If you know someone’s character, intentions, and ability to be a partner before you marry them, then it shouldn’t be necessary. For me a pre-nup confirms that there are doubts already before the marriage has even started.
3WV: How should a woman handle a man who she knows is “the one” but he’s not ready to commit? How long should she wait?
Renee: If he isn’t ready to commit, then he isn’t The One! The right man but the wrong timing is the wrong man. His ability to commit is a huge indication that he is The One. If the man doesn’t want to commit then it’s not a matter of waiting, it’s a matter of not investing in a man that isn’t on the same page as you.
3WV: List some things women need to do within their relationship to keep the man they consider “The One.”
Renee: These are some things I suggest you do to keep “The One.”
- Meet his love language – for the majority of men out there, their love language is words of affirmation and physical touch. Affirm him daily, validate what he does do right, give him praise. It’s too easy to point out his flaws and what he is doing wrong. Stop trying to change him and start affirming what he is doing and succeeding in.
- Communicate regularly – regardless if it is uncomfortable. Men are not mind readers, explain to him how you feel (men respond to logic rather than emotions).
- Create some positive chase – keep him wanting to pursue you by focusing on your purpose and keeping your identity outside of him and the relationship.
- Be intimate – regular intimacy feeds his love language and keeps the bond between you strong.
- Be fun to be around – men love adventure and fun, and those are things that make love exciting so don’t stop being fun and enjoyable to be around. It doesn’t mean you have to always feel like you are the life of the party, but learn to be flexible and not take everything so seriously.
3WV: If your relationship is serious. What do you think about having women friends who their partner doesn’t know? And how flexible should she be with them calling him on the phone? Is it important for her to meet them?
Renee: I believe that a man’s best female friend should be his wife. I think it is normal and healthy to want and have friendships with the opposite sex; however, there needs to be clear boundaries here.
Yes, either partner should meet the others friends, especially, if they are the opposite sex. This establishes boundaries and also gives an indication of what type of friendship they have.
3WV: Let’s say this guy is the one, he has everything you want in a man but he has one issue that really bugs the hell out of you. Can the relationship last long-term through that type of problem?
Renee: It really depends what the issue is. Strong relationships are built on what is needed (as in the fundamentals), not the wants and desires. If his annoying issue or habit is just a matter of personal preference (eg: he leaves the toilet seat up or isn’t into texting), then really it could just be a matter of accepting it or talking about it. But, if the issue is detrimental to the health of the relationship or either individual, then it needs to be addressed.
3WV: What words of empowerment or advice can you give to women about having a healthy, nurturing relationship?
Renee: That YOU are your own rescue. YOU are the fairytale, not a man. The relationship with yourself is the greatest love story—the right man adds to it, not completes it.
3WV: How can people reach you for more information or to follow you on social media?
Renee: I can be reached in the following ways:
Youtube Channel: www.youtube.com/reneeslansky
Her Blog: www.thedatingdirectory.co
Instagram and Twitter: @reneeslansky
Free Resources: https://go.reneeslansky.com/free-stuff
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