5 Tips to Finding Yourself After Divorce

By: Rhonda Jackson

A few days ago while driving to work, I was listening to a song by Whitney Houston, “Greatest Love of All.” It stuck in my mind the entire day, and I wondered how many women truly love themselves. Has this ever crossed your mind?  Surely, it has.

As a single woman who was married for 10 years, I had experienced many things, but most importantly, I had learned something about myself. I didn’t like nor did I love me! When I think about it, my divorce left me feeling like a worthless failure, and I can honestly say, I thought I wouldn’t recover.

With that said, I had thought of myself as unattractive despite receiving attention from men that should have boosted my EGO to the moon. Whenever socializing with family or friends, I would wear my “beautiful face,” although inward, I felt like the “ugly duckling.” This petite-figured woman hungered for reassurance from others, and it lasted for quite some time. But eventually, I grew tired of the struggle.

As I think back, I’m saddened at how I would hide from myself by using my time to take care of other people, in an attempt to cover my insecurities. For instance, I would often neglect the things I wanted to do, and instead did for others to add further to my low self-esteem. You know, we can lose ourselves when we are present for everybody else, but not ourselves. Just thinking about it, that is a time I wouldn’t want to return to, although, I’m grateful to have experienced it. It made me stronger. The reason I say that is because if I had not gone through it, I would not be who I am today. Thank God, I am now stronger.

Today, I am extremely proud to say, I love me, which I could have never said without enduring the pain and heartache of my past. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good times and blessings along the way, but my road to healing and being happy after divorce was a process, and a major learning curve. Trust me, I know from experience that it takes growth and understanding to relate to the verse in Whitney’s song, “Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” Below, I’ll share 5 tips that have helped me along my road to happiness after divorce, and I hope they will help you. I’m not saying these are the only ways to get through it, but these tips are what worked for me.

1). Love yourself – You have to understand and value who you are from the inside out. It’s not enough to say it, you have to know it and show it by treating yourself better, and with dignity. Thereby, you learn to honor and respect your very being and your uniqueness. Only then, will you begin to love yourself on the outside, as you are displayed to the world.

2). Let go of anger from past relationships – You have to know that it’s okay to be angry because of what someone did or said in the past, but you have to let it go. In addition, monitor your actions to maintain a peace of mind. Just know, as long as you hold on to animosity and resentment, you are out of control, and they win. You have to learn to forgive them in order for you to heal. Only then, will you be set free and able to really move on. Keep in mind, this particular step goes for anyone that you have felt anger towards, whether it involves a previous relationship, family, friends or any other person you have encountered along the way. The important thing is to never forget the lessons you have learned from the experience and move on, so you can get your life back.

3). Do things that make you happy – The best way to take your mind off your problems is to focus on something else. As the saying goes, “mind over matter.” Understand that you are strong and powerful, and you owe it to yourself to be happy. This is a great time to make a “to do list.”  Be sure to work on completing the tasks, one-by-one, that bring you joy. As you gain personal fulfillment, you will begin to feel happiness on the inside.                 

4). Focus on positive things and people – The worst thing you can do is to dwell on negative things or people. If you think about it, negativity begets negativity. The things you should focus on are the things that help build you up and not tear you down. For starters, find yourself at least 2 strong-minded, positive people you can talk to often, and watch how your life will begin to change. There is power in positivity. Word of advice, whenever people come to bring negative information, situations or vibes, kindly remove yourself from them.

5). Develop a prayer life  For me, prayer is what got me through. No one else knew what I was experiencing, but God. He eased my heart, mind and spirit. Believe me, He pays attention and listens to you when no one else will. He cares! Talking with Him provides peace, and will help to protect your sanity in the middle of confusion. My advice to you through the divorce process and in your life after divorce is the following: When you feel like your heart is heavy… pray for comfort. When you feel burdened… pray for strength. When you feel broken… pray for healing. When you feel confusion… pray for peace. When you feel lost… pray for guidance. When you feel like you’ve done all you can do… pray for Jesus to take the wheel. And, if you don’t know Him… pray to be saved so you can develop a relationship with Him. Just remember, He will work it out on your behalf. Now, there are some key things you have to do in order to receive it. You have to have faith and believe He can and will work it out, and you have to consistently pray. I guarantee, if you do these things, you will see a difference in yourself and your life. Best wishes to youPlease like, comment and share this post. When you share it, please be sure to tag us, so we can personally thank you.

If you have experienced a divorce, let us know some things that have helped you get through it, in the comment section below. Your response could possibly help other women.

Thanks for your participation and support. 

13 thoughts on “5 Tips to Finding Yourself After Divorce”

  1. I have never been married and desire to be married, listening to your ladies stories encourage and enlighten me. It also gives me insight and to remind me to Love me and don’t lose myself in the relationship of Marriage. “IT IS OK TO LOVE ME, THE GREATEST LOVE of ALL IS INSIDE OF ME”. I am encouraged through this.

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    1. Hi Andrea,

      Thanks for reading our post, we appreciate your support, and are glad you enjoyed the article. Rhonda will be responding to you, as well. Since you desire to get married, I felt compelled to respond. My husband and I have been married for 30 years and dated 11 years before that,in fact, we were high school sweethearts, so we have been together for 40 years all together.

      With that said, I can give you some sound advice about what worked for me, if you really want to get married. The first thing I would tell you is to know and understand who you are before you ever go into the relationship. Thereby knowing and understanding you, you can hold on to the love of self. The same goes true for your partner, he should know and understand who he is, as well. Next, I would say, what you see is what you get. You can’t change that person and thinking you can will end in disaster. Then, I would say recognize and talk about each other, what each of your values and degree of importance is when it comes to the following: family…including in-law issues and boundaries, raising kids, money, working, friends, socializing, jealousies, your goals and dreams, religion and spirituality, wants, needs, expectations, and desires, to name a few. Also, important from both people in the relationship is there must be communication, honor, respect of person.. space … and time. There must be sharing, giving and a partnership as friends, companions and partners. It’s not enough to say “I Do” on the wedding day, but then forget to “Do” throughout the relationship. Marriage takes work and is a responsibility if both people really want it to work, so it requires your full attention, even through the storms. Remember, the marriage has to planted on a firm foundation in the beginning or it’s destined to sink. Lastly, never allow yourself to become a doormat or for your partner to use, abuse or misuse you in any way. You are valuable and deserve better. As the say goes, “Teach him how to treat you” and then you should expect nothing less.

      Andrea, I could go on, but I don’t want to bore you with all this writing, so I’ll say to you, marriage can be wonderful. Just remember, like Rhonda said, never stop loving you and never lose yourself in the marriage or any relationship for that matter. I’m praying on you finding success in the marriage and person of your dreams. I really enjoyed giving advice on what worked for me. Again thanks, for your support and we hope you come back to read more exciting and informative articles. And please, don’t forget to share our post every Monday.

      Best Wishes,
      Debbie

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    2. Hi Andrea,

      Thank you so much for commenting on the article. We are truly happy to learn of your encouragement which is our ultimate goal.

      I was married for 10 years before divorce became my reality. It took me many years to heal and to realize I was lost before I married. I am grateful for the opportunity to share my story to provide the insight someone needs to read. It is my hope that others will receive just as you did. I am excited to know you are aware of the importance of loving who you are and not losing yourself. Congratulations, best wishes, and may your desire come true.

      Remember, we post a new article every Monday and look forward to reading and replying to your future comments. Don’t forget to share as well.

      Thanks again,
      Rhonda

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  2. Great article and very good advice. I too am recently separated and about to be divorced, I was in a relationship where it was all about me catering and taking care of him and nobody was taking care of me. I was cooking, cleaning, paying all the bills, while he went to work, hid his money and would chill in front of the TV with a beer or go outside with a cigar. Didn’t want to help around the house, didn’t want to go to church, didn’t want to share in the same things that excited me. All the vacations, date nights and any activities at all were made by me or there would be none at all. I started to feel like Cinderella and realized that this was not my Prince. I probably stayed in the marriage longer than I should have because I did not want to go through another divorce (yes another…family had started nicknaming me Liz Taylor). After twelve years (of having a roommate and not a husband) and lots of prayers I heard the message that starting over wasn’t going to be as bad as you might anticipate, that there will be tough times, but it will definitely get better. I decided to love myself and I’m never been happier. I have no regrets. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Bunny,

      It is a pleasure seeing your back and responding to this article, and thanks for your kind words. We really appreciate your support. Also, thanks for being brave enough to publicly share the story about your marriage breakup, that takes courage.

      It’s unfortunate that when we are in a marriage, we are sometimes judged by people when we walk away from it. But I always say unless a person has walked in your shoes, they can’t tell you how to live. Walking away from a marriage is a personal decision and only the person affected can make that decision. In my opinion, it should never be okay to live in a miserable marriage, where you are unhappy and unsatisfied emotionally for the rest of your life. As you said, you were living with a roommate instead of a husband. When you are unhappy, that affects everything else in your life inadvertently, which can lead to stress, insecurities, and possibly health problems. I think, it is important for two people in a marriage to be on one accord, otherwise, that equals what I call “chaos living.”

      Thanks to prayer, you were able to evaluate your situation and make the right decision for you. I’m glad you found the strength to want to love yourself again and for moving towards what makes you happy. Thanks for sharing your story.

      God Bless!
      Debbie & Rhonda

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  3. Great article! I’ve been divorced twice, felt like a failure both times and I held a lot of guilt about “HOW” I had allowed myself to be in both positions. It definitely took a toll on my self-esteem. What made the difference in my healing was praying and forgiving myself. I focused on what I wanted for me, and what I wanted my life (and any future relationships) to look like. Not just a marital relationship, but friendships and who I surround myself with as well. The best thing I did was releasing the guilt. It freed me to honor myself as I changed my behavior and made better choices as I moved forward. I’m now happily married to a wonderful man and we celebrate 13 years of marriage this year! Thanks for sharing and encouraging women everywhere!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Necie,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. We always welcome feedback from our readers. We are extremely glad to know you soared above the guilt receiving the strength God provides for us to move forward. Women have so much in common from experience to lesson and when we share, it helps to inspire and brings hope. We salute you and congratulate you on taking back your life to find the love within. Oh, Happy Anniversary to you and your hubby. Please continue to read our posts, comment, like and share them.

      Again, thanks!
      Rhonda & Debbie

      Like

  4. Losing yourself after any long term relationship is sometimes devastating, especially when you’ve given everything in you to make it work.. Put your heart into it 100% and theb ‘BOOM” its a done deal. We as women love hard and real!!!!
    Moving forward is a hard pill to swallow but with prayers, positive supporting people , activities and loving the reflection in the mirror, you can move forward, loving and continuing to care about self.
    We have to remember that it’ll be a process but not the end of the world!!!!

    LIVE! (Life to it’s fullest and don’t look back and dwell on the WOULDA..COULDA..SHOULDA…

    LOVE! (Love yourself, inspite of…)

    LAUGH! (It’s good for the soul..
    Takes less muscles to laugh and smile than to frown)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kim,

      I love, love, love your comments. So positive and inspiring. Like you said, the experience of divorce can be devastating, especially after we’ve given our all to make it work. But despite the pain, we have to learn to move on pass the divorce. We can find strength in holding on to who “we” are, by turning to prayer for comfort and guidance, and by finding people in our corner to support us. So important. I like that, “it’s a process, not the end of the world.” Thanks Kim for sharing, commenting and the support. It means the world. Have a great day!

      God Bless!
      Debbie & Rhonda

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    1. Hi Norma,

      I’m glad you enjoyed the blog. Yes, belief in self is so important. In fact, if you don’t believe in yourself, it impacts your strength, clarity and vision in life. The ultimate clarity comes when we are both, still and quiet, and we allow God to intervene on our behalf. He gives us what we need when we need it. We just have to understand and believe that prayer works and changes things. Thanks for reading our blog. It means the world to us. Be sure to share it and tag us when you share it.

      Again, thanks!
      Debbie & Rhonda

      Like

      1. Very proud of your 3 Womenvoices. This is something that many young and older women need. Some one that has experienced what they are going through right now…. Sharing with them I really believe it will help along with prayer. God bless you!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Hi Rita,

          Thanks for taking the time to comment and for the compliment. We appreciate you! It is our intent for our blog to touch women’s lives by empowering, inspiring, educating, offering hope and guidance, and bringing joy whenever possible. Please continue to read our post, like and share them as we really could use all the support we can get, and we pray our post will make a difference in women’s lives.

          Again, thanks!
          Debbie & Rhonda

          Like

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